The Latin:
Cum tu, Lydia, Telephi
ceruicem roseam, cerea Telephi
laudas bracchia, uae, meum
feruens difficili bile tumet iecur.
Tunc nec mens mihi nec color
certa sede manet, umor et in genas
furtim labitur, arguens
quam lentis penitus macerer ignibus.
Vror, seu tibi candidos
turparunt umeros inmodicae mero
rixae, siue puer furens
inpressit memorem dente labris notam.
Non, si me satis audias,
speres perpetuum dulcia barbare
laedentem oscula, quae Venus
quinta parte sui nectaris imbuit.
Felices ter et amplius
quos inrupta tenet copula nec malis
diuolsus querimoniis
suprema citius soluet amor die.
The Translation:
Lydia, when you praise
Telephus' rosy neck,
his pliant arms, alas,
my heart swells, growing hot
with morose melancholy.
At those times, not my mind
nor my complexion stays
in its reliable place
and blood furtively
slips into my cheeks
proving how deep inside I am
consumed by unyielding flames.
I am burned, whether your
shoulders are disfigured
from too many wine-fueled fights
or some wild boy stamps an
evident mark on your lips with his teeth.
If you listen to me enough,
you don't hope for sweet lips,
to which Venus supplied
a fifth of her own nectar,
barbarically attacking forever.
They are blessed three times and more,
whom love holds with an unbroken bond
and, having torn away evil quarrels
will not quickly dissolve
until their final days.
So, while I am always a proponent of using classical texts to gain new insights and perspectives on life, relationship advice is not something that I would recommend you look for. Classical poets are absolutely awful with relationships (especially Catullus). It actually seems that most artists have a pretty terrible idea of what relationships are supposed to be like. One example that comes to mind are modern songwriters, who seem to be in one of two camps: the first, which is the realm of many hip-hop artists and upbeat-party musicians is that the ideal relationship is emotionally vacant and solely focused on physicality (hey,intimacy is scary). In rock and artsy music, being clingy, co-dependent and generally emotionally draining, both during and after relationship is romanticized, (for some reason). I suppose conflict is interesting and materialism is glamorous, and over-all having an emotionally healthy and stable relationship is kind of boring and bragging about it will win few friends.
That being said, there is one guy who got it right: Ovid, in his best-selling, controversial didactic poem Ars Amatoria. Some tips and tricks to help you win over your lady-friend for certain:
-Remember her birthday
-Wipe dust off her lap at the races
-Offer your own lap as a cushion (A silver bullet right here)
-Make her jealous of other girls
-Don't ask what her age is
-How to sneak around her husband (Very important)
And even after all that, you need to break it off, don't fret! Ol' Schnozy's got you covered with Remedia Amoris! These handy tips will help your break-up and post-break up be quick and easy!
-Don't ever leave work
-Make sex really uncomfortable
-Have an affair (or several!)
-Think about how much being in a relationship sucks
-Cut off contact with everyone she knows
-Don't tell her why you're breaking up
Once you've made your lady-friend your lady-enemy, here's some ways to help ease the insurmmountable emotional distress!
-Don't watch or read anything about love
-Never mention your relationship again
-Don't drink moderately: If you're going to drink, drink in excess.
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